After writing this dream diary post, I realized, or rather, remembered, that I’ve always been waiting to live my life.
The reason why I don’t have any meaningful relationships IRL, is because I’ve always felt that this isn’t where I belong or where I’ll stay, so why bother building connections?
The Downside of Friends
Friends have made me miss out on many things in my life: I quit figure skating to hang out with my best friend, who later dumped me, saying she didn’t want to be weird like me; I didn’t go to my full paid scholarship year in China to stay with my friends, who didn’t appreciate me as much as I did them.
Life is tough. It’s full of choices, and while all those choices have made me into the person I am today, I do feel regret sometimes.
I used to be someone who never felt regret, but there is a big gap between the person I used to be and the person I am.
Truthfully, it’s not who I am today that makes me not entirely regret the decisions of my past, but who I’m with. Slowly and surely, though, that person is making me into a more desirable version of myself — not only in sexiness, but also on the inside.
Friends, the TV show, is still one one my favourites, as is How I met your mother and The Big Bang Theory (possibly — a bit bored of the last one), so I suppose I haven’t given up the little wish inside me to have a rich life with friends and love and fun.
Waiting how long?
I’m 25 now, and when I started waiting for my life, I certainly didn’t think I’d wait that long.
When I was 10, I said I’d move to Hawaii at 15; a couple of years later, I’d move to Japan at 18. None of those happened, but I did spend an exchange year in Japan.
I had all kinds of dreams, but the most important one was finding my true love, and that happened, in the midst of escaping life. Perhaps we were both escaping life, but now that we have each other, we live different lives than before.
We still wait, though. We wait until the day when we’re together IRL — that’s when our life starts.
But how true is that? Will there really be a distinct mark that changes the definition of our lives?
Maybe. It’s not impossible. After all, a lot of things will change. For one, we will physically be in the same place, so there is no reason why we couldn’t live the life we talk about. Dates, cuddling, movies… there are so many things that will be unlocked, that we don’t have access to now, and that I’ve never truly had access to.
Last night, we talked about firsts.
Even though I’ve lived like a hermit for a decent part of my life, I still have some experience. I’ve been asked out, been on dates (I was fairly popular during a period at uni).
I told him, though, that just because I’ve had firsts in many things, it doesn’t mean that they were good or made me happy. What counts is everything we’ll do.
There was a time where I waited with certain firsts, but then the young adulthood pessimism and cynicism struck, and I gave up the thought of waiting for someone who will never come.
For me, personally, there has been certain obstacles, keeping me from making lasting friendships and living a life.
For one, I moved back to my parents, and now live in a tiny place where not even my middle school friends remain, not that I talk to them anymore. The only other women in my age have kids.
The second reason is past disappointments and mental health. Before I moved back here, I still wasn’t social. I had an eating disorder flare up, and, again, I was only making shallow friendships in order not to be disappointed again.
How to overcome it?
This year, I’ve been doing my best at having a life, even though I don’t “have a life”, in the colloquial sense.
- Writing fiction
- Learning about things (such as wicca, the golden dawn) by reading books
- Reading fiction (such as Sherlock Holmes and Deja Dead — from the author who inspired the TV-series, Bones)
- Read fiction in Chinese (such as Harry Potter — not completed)
- Had an ASMR channel
- Had a splits channel
- Experimented with food until I settled on a plant based diet.
- Found Barre
- Taken walks by the lake near the house
- Written fiction by the lake
- Redecorated and refurnished my room
- Designed Pillows
- Started a Master’s degree program
- Created this blog…
- Tried Vlogging
- Tried making games
The last 2 are super new, hence the cursive.
My point is, I’ve been actively trying to do things that give my life meaning. Even if not all of it succeeded, I tried, at least, and my life does feel more fulfilled when I do all these things.
The best way is simply to stop waiting, and start doing. Whatever you can, using whatever you have. Even if it’s just temporary.
While I’m still waiting for the time together with my “husband”, there are still things I can do for our relationship while doing that.
I read about immigration, in order to be prepared and know as much as possible when the time comes. I practise barre, in order to prepare my muscles for pole dancing, because I miss it, and we’ll set up a pole in his room. Don’t think lewd, I just like it; the sexy aspect and fitness aspect alike.
I started this blog with the intention of earning extra money when we’re together, so that we can live the life we want. And while this isn’t really a money blog, I like blogging.
In the end
… we probably all wait for something. But by doing things now, with the resources you have available, you prepare yourself for making the best of the time when the thing you’re waiting for arrives. It’s a skill.
Practise it now, always, in order to set yourself up for future success and happiness.
Even if it seems pointless — it’s easier to find meaning in actions, than it is to find it in stillness. It seems contradictory to meditation, but it’s all about balance.
Yin and yang, you need both. You can’t achieve true stillness without first being active; without the sun there is no night.
Remember: You’re not in the womb anymore. You’re in the living stage of your existence.
Well, I don’t think people in general are as much no-lifers as I am, so I don’t know how relevant this post was. But hopefully it will be something to find inspiration in, or at least enjoyable reading.
Let me know in the comments if this post brought up any special thoughts, or if you have questions about a certain aspect of it.