Last night we talked about our first date, at the movies.
I asked about snacks, and he mentioned chips.
As a plant based eater who is a bit obsessed with eating healthy, I found myself feeling turned off by the thought of the unhealthiness of chips, and them being inside him.
I have this weird thing about not wanting certain foods inside me, and I think that it might be extending to him.
Maybe because we’re going to be so close, or because I care about him like I care about myself, or because lovers are supposed to be like one. Either way, the root cause is my eternally abnormal food habits.
Eating disorder finding another way to manifest? I hadn’t thought about it for a while, since I haven’t had issues with food lately, but that may be because I only eat certain things, and the thought of putting other things in me makes me feel uneasy.
On the one hand, I don’t want to be controlling and tell him not to eat chips, but on the other hand, making sure he eats healthy could be a loving gesture.
Of course, I told him about it. He seemed fine with it, but I was still feeling guilty about being like this, wishing I could be more flexible… well, he said that I can be however, as long as I don’t cheat 😂
Obviously I don’t want to cheat.
Anyway, I don’t think that the problem is severe. I don’t feel like I mind him eating meat, or bread, or other things like that, as long as it’s clean, or at least somewhat clean.
There is also the chance that I’ll be totally fine with anything. We won’t know until we try.
In the end, while I realize that his body is his, and not my object to control, I will try to make sure that healthy food goes inside it, but try to only do so for loving reasons.
The whole thing was triggered by my sister’s negative reaction to me waking everyone up because a mouse was stuck in the trap. I saved the mouse, but felt hated for it. Felt hated for being caring for once, and resented her for being a selfish hypocrite.
One day, it would be good if I had more emotional resilience, and didn’t instantly get sent spiraling because of nothings like that.
Now, exam time.