22 March

Today I tried one of Caroline Girvan’s calisthenics workouts. It was my first time trying one of her workouts, and it was very good, very suitable for me. The moves were great. The only thing I struggled with was the arm exercises, but that’s good, as I am trying to strengthen my arms, my biggest weakness… anyway, this is not a review.

This is the workout I tried:

I’m still in some kind of fitness slump, since several days back. Not feeling very motivated, but still doing stuff. I’ve come to think that maybe I filmed too many videos last week, and thus focused too little on improving (or maintaining) my own fitness. My splits that I had last week (on the left side, at least) are gone. Just like that. Last week I could do oversplits. But, well…

As far as making videos goes, it’s slow. I did a looong voice over today, and had to talk more than necessary, as I forgot to record the first time and it took me 15 minutes to realize (could’ve been worse!). Ok, it was only 45 minutes, but it was long compared to my usual 10 ish. The worst part, though, is that the processing of the video is taking waaay too long. Here’s how long it takes:

Yeah, so… I don’t think I’ll do any more long videos in the near future. Definitely need better equipment. I only have my smartphone, basic pc and my precious blue yeti mic. Sadly I can’t afford to buy any new equipment in the near future, as I’m jobless, have no income and at least want to prove to myself that I will stick to it (youtube). It wouldn’t be too bad if I could buy stuff through donations, but I highly doubt that my videos are of good enough quality (at this point) to deserve something like that.

Not to downtalk myself, but from an objective point of view, there are many things I could do better, and I definitely need to find my own style, or at least stick to one theme (or do I? I don’t know!). 

It was surprising, though, that I got 2 new subscribers in a span of less than 24 hours on my fitness channel, as well as 1 new on my farm channel (which now has a whopping total of 2 subscribers!! haha). 

Haven’t eaten any sweets today, and don’t really feel like it either. Working out kills my appetite a bit, but I ate an egg sandwich at least.

My thoughts post quitting uni: 

Am I a fool? Am I an impulsive mess who just can’t stick to one thing and endure it? Do I have a compulsive need to self-sabotage? The last one might be true. It’s hard to tell, it really is. Do I quit things because they’re not good for me, or to self-sabotage? I have an overwhelming need to change things around and embark on new paths. This has been a theme for my entire adulthood and maybe even late teens. It’s hard to say what’s right or wrong.

Currently, I am very ambitious about my plans of becoming a farmer with my husband. I do live on a farm, since a few months ago, so I am pretty much free to fulfil that anytime. My fitness coaching plans are there as well, but not as my main thing. Although, the last few days I’ve been very focused on it. I have to remind myself to take a step back and remember what my intentions are.

The same goes for my fitness channel. I got a couple of comments (yay!) which expressed likes and requests, and it immediately made me want to do more of what people like and do as they request, but it made me feel lost. I feel pressure to create what people like, but at the same time I can’t base what people like based on a couple of comments. Though I’m very glad about them. What I mean is, I need to find my own style, not think too much about what others (even precious subscribers) want. Only then can I find a sweet spot between the two, where I stay true to what I want for the channel, while also responding to people’s requests (within reasonable limits).

I need to know where I stand and what I want. Or do I? Maybe it will just take shape organically. Probably. 

I feel like a fool, who keeps doing the same stupid things over and over again. But maybe if I stick to this potentially stupid decision it will finally lead somewhere. That would be amazing. 

As for fitness coaching, I’m starting to realize that I’m NOT EVEN CLOSE. Excuse the caps, but I really wanted to emphasize it. The thing is, by attempting to film workout videos, I’ve noticed that I’m not good at explaining moves, and to me that’s a major flaw. Well, it will get better with practise, but I don’t feel good about putting out bad workouts, for people. Now, I could just be biased against myself, I really can’t tell, and that makes everything even harder. It’s undeniable, though, that the well known fitness youtubers are way better at what they’re doing (But they have several years of experience, and I have 0 + have never been a good speaker in general). 

So, even though I’m decently fit and have good form most of the time, the speaking is a hurdle I need to get past. And then, will I keep it soft spoken like asmr or work on speaking louder, like a typical fitness video? I don’t know! All this, we will see… I wonder how things will be one year from now. Maybe I should try to document my journey as much as possible. But, this blog will not be solely fitness based. It will be about farm life as well, as well as family life (my future husband and our unborn babies). The latter was my reason for starting this blog, but it has yet to happen IRL. We were supposed to meet last year, but you know… for *reasons* we couldn’t do it.

Hopefully, we’ll be able to meet this year, but it will probably take a few months. Very likely, it won’t happen until next year, when we’ll be able to “celebrate” 5 years of LDR with 0 physical meetings. Yes, it’s bittersweet. Most of my twenties have been spent in a LDR, with 0 cuddles or dates. BUT we’ve had a great and happy time together, even so (of course!), and the wait will be worth it. 

Did I do the right thing in quitting uni, abandoning the “safe” path? I don’t know, but I couldn’t stand feeling like I wanted to not exist.

This post was published 4 days late due to a headache. No fun, but that’s life. It shouldn’t be though, and I’m always striving for diminishing pains for myself. It has worked successfully, to the most part, but there are still times when it manages to sneak in despite all effort. Another reason why I’m fit to be a fitness coach for different types of people. I know pain. I suffer it and hsve been for a long time. I can relate. I hope that I can help others feel better and function to a higher degree in their daily life, to enjoy life more. That is probably my goal with fitness coaching. Not losing weight or anything like that (primarily, but it’s still a valid reason to get fit!), but simply to increase the joy and happiness in my future clients’/viewers’/readers’ life.

If you are interested in watching me grow and potentially getting inspired by me, do check out my channel :). Here’s a couple of my latest videos:

And here’s my latest farm video:

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