Sadness, But Moving Forward

Ever since my dog died two years ago, I’ve been longing to get a new dog, just like anyone else would. I’ve been on the lookout, been thinking a lot about it. But… even though I found one yesterday – a cute little yorkie that I could breed with – the dictator of this house firmly decided against it. Apparently, it’s bad for health (it’s not).

For me, the puppy would be a friend, companion and, eventually, an income – something I need very much. But no, it’s not allowed.  Because she says so. She, who is the grand ruler of everything that goes on in this house. “We do not have democracy here”, she said. And no, we don’t. We really don’t. 

She is my mother.

Lately, she’s been very hostile towards me. It all started when my dad helped me move some stuff from the barn, in the place that is to be my own. It was a short while, less than 30 minutes, but I had stolen his time from her. I, her daughter, was not allowed to get help from my dad because she had more important things for him to do.

I am 26 years old, going on 27. 

No income. No freedom. Well, from society I do have some degree of freedom. But to what cost?

In time, things will get better. When he gets here. My husband. 

Oh, when will covid end? When will we finally be able to meet and fight this evil together? When will my happy days come?

There’s no point in dwelling. All I can do is try to move forward. 

So, today I filmed some more workouts for my fitness/flexibility channel, as well as tried to dig my market garden. It’s supposed to be no-dig, but it seems like I have to put a net underneath it, to prevent our mole or other rodents from eating the seedlings and seeds before they even get a chance to grow. That would be such a waste of the limited resources I have.

Here’s how it looked before and how far I got:

It took me about an hour and I got a blister on my beautiful hands:

My hands are one of my prides. So soft and pretty, and I may say so myself.

Got 2 new subscribers, but lost one, it seems. Always one step back after going forward, but that’s how it is. No use dwelling. Nothing happens from lying in bed all day, depressed and hopeless. It’s better to feel depressed and hopeless while at least trying to get closer to your goal.

My goal is to have a successful family farm with my husband. My precious beloved husband, who lives in Canada, so far away from me. So far… after covid, he’ll come here. It’ll be five years of waiting then. Five long, but precious years. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know what I would do. Certainly I wouldn’t have all this hope, and I would definitely not try to move forward, because for what reason?

No, I should not think like that. Honestly, I would probably find my reasons. I tend to do that. And you who are reading this should do that too, if you feel despaired. There’s always something, even if it’s around the corner and you can’t see it yet. I promise. I know I don’t have the power to promise things like that, but I still want to, and I do believe it has some kind of effect. It does, I’m sure. 

Just for fun, let’s pull a card… just to remember this feeling and set some kind of intention… to get some kind of message… ok… 

The card I pulled was The High Priestess:

This is what the booklet says about it:

“The soul of a person is in a sacred and precious place. It must be protected and nurtured, above all within ourselves, and never forgotten. The soul contains the best parts of ourselves; these will remain even when everything else that seems important today has disappeared” (Ghost Tarot)

How accurate… I feel like it means that we must nurture our wants and wishes, not neglect them. Fight for what we want, even if it hurts, because otherwise the precious things in our souls will be forgotten, and we will turn into emptier and emptier shells of what we once were. We need to stay true to what we want and our purpose, even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if it feels stupid, even if there’s opposition. Because one day, I believe, it will pay off. One day, you will be stronger than the opposition and what once seemed like an insurmountable wall will instead be but a tiny fence. You know, like in video games? I’m sure you know what I mean, and thinking about our obstacles like that does make them look sillier, doesn’t it? Well, it does mean that you will encounter bigger obstacles, but that’s a worry for another day. Although, it shouldn’t be a worry at all. It’s just a part of life.

I know, some obstacles are not to speak lightly of. Some pains take years to get over, if not a whole life. But I think what I’m trying to say is, don’t lose hope. Work towards moving forward, even if it’s just one tiny step each day. It accumulates. Yes, let’s work on accumulating steps that will ultimately lead to our dream lives. For me, this blog post is very much a part of that, just as my youtube videos are. 

If you are interested in working out or just want to check out my channel, here’s my latest video: 

Depending on when you read this, it may or may not have premiered yet. It’s a full moon workout, as tonight is a full moon. And somehow I feel like my post today resonates well with that. Let me know what you think if you try the workout 🙂

My latest farm video:

Thank you for reading.

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