Today I got 2 new subscribers on my fitness channel. My initial reaction was “yay!!”, but then… probably just a few minutes later, I felt negative emotions creeping up to the surface.
Why? Where did they come from? And what were they about?
I was filming my 50 subs splits special when I started thinking about how useless this feels. How useless I feel. Not to mention, how boring it was to do a split for 5 minutes.
Well, I still feel that way, but I’ve come to realize that it happens every time I have some kind of success. There is an innate desire in me to run. An instinct? Because success isn’t for me, is it?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve failed so many things before. Maybe I’m too used to it. But… I want to change this pattern. I want to change and break through this psychological barrier I’ve built. I do truly believe I could achieve success as long as I tear this wall down. I believe I’m worthy and that I can do it as long as I push through. I’ve just never done it.
I’ve attempted to push through the wrong things though. Uni is one, and I quit it. I quit because it was getting detrimental for my mental health. I don’t regret it, as I enjoy my current preoccupations much more. I don’t feel like I want to die anymore.
Anyway, onto a brighter topic, it’s spring and the farm season is beginning. We haven’t gotten any new birds yet, but we did buy 2 sets of bees. Now we just need to get them hives. Still not sure how that’s gonna take shape, but it seems like buying might be the best option. Yikes. They’re not cheap. How is the money gonna last? But at least they’ll give us honey, which we can sell.
I need to order seeds for carrots, and thinking of getting mushroom starter packs as well. We’ll see. Is that anything you’d be interested in seeing me exploring (on my farm channel)? Let me know!
Here’s my latest farm video, btw:
I’m just showing some stuff I’ve been doing, but it’s far from a lot. It’s a brand new small farm and I’m a noob, so.
Anyway, thank you for reading!
Here’s my latest fitness videos (a set):