Determining My Focus – Deciding Who I Am??

Not so easy. Not easy at all.

So, I have two youtube channels which I’m trying to grow at the same time. One of them is more important than the other, but I spend more time on the less important one.

One is a fitness channel and the other is about my new farm/homestead.

It’s all about the money. But… I fear that if I don’t choose one of the two, I will suffer consequences. 

My most successful channel is my fitness/stretch one, with a whopping 53 subscribers. I’ve been uploading videos almost every day for 3 weeks, as well as the same amount of time 2 years ago. 

The focus of this channel in itself is not very clearly defined, and that alone is bothering me. Some days I do asmr content with soft spoken voice-over and some days I use music instead. I do stretching progress videos as well as follow-alongs. 

This scatterdness and indecisiveness is not sustainable. 

Another thing that isn’t, is the fact that this takes time that I could use for farming, whether it’s writing about it, making videos about it or doing actual farming. 

It’s tough, having to make these decisions. I feel like I have an obligation towards my 53 (mostly creeps wanting to see girls stretch) subs to keep going. But logically I should feel no obligation whatsoever towards them… 

Like I mentioned before, it’s all about the money. I was going to become a PT (personal trainer) to get extra money that could be used for farming or bills or whatever. But.. trying to do so much at once, I feel exhausted. I feel demotivated.

The most important one for me is farming, as that is my future family business (which I will start with my husband when he gets here from Canada). So, logically, that’s what I should be focused on. I should give it my all, not try to do different things half heartedly.

I could still upload stretching videos every now and then, but with minimal effort, like a hobby that could turn into an easy side income with time. Yes, I know that may not happen in its current shape, aka not doing the adult version (which I won’t!), but I really want to use my limited energy resources for the things that matter.

One day, when the farm is settled, it might be a better time to try new ventures. But starting two at once… it’s doomed for failure, exhaustion or burnout.

If you’re in a similar position, and have the opportunity to choose, then go for the most important one. If you don’t know which one it is, then maybe try to visualize your values and future doing it. Are other people involved? Is it a solo thing? Does it improve you as a person?

In my case, I’m better at fitness and stretching and all those things, and at this point suck at farming. BUT the important one is still farming, and that is because of my dream. It aligns with the goal of having a family business with my husband, as well as our hypothetical future kids. 

Fitness, however, belongs to a different side of me. The idea was born not only out of a want for money, but also from a desire of being something of my own. I wanted to build my unique identity, disconnected to everything else. I wanted to be me and have something of my own. I still do, but not like this. Not if I feel split in half and lost as to what the point of what I’m doing is.

Both things would definitely improve me as a person and help me develop valuable skills as well as give me a role in society, but one person cannot be two. I am not twins, nor am I triplets or quadruplets. I am one person with many potential paths, but the capacity to only choose one (main path), just like I chose one person – my future husband. 

We as humans aren’t alone. At least we’re not supposed to be. I’ve always been a bit of a lone wolf doing my own thing, even in the school playgrounds, but I still need the connection to people. So maybe, just maybe, that’s where the answer could be if you’re in doubt.

There is so much I could do with farming, that even there I have to be picky, but that’s a whole other question and a new level of indecisiveness… 

So, who am I? I am a farmer.

Thank you for reading. 

Here’s my latest farm vlog:

(There is also the option to focus on farm and blogging, and I’m seriously considering it at the moment, as it’s taking AN HOUR to export a 15 minute video. Yes, for real. And yes, it’s very fun.)

Latest fitness video:

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