I sometimes want to not care. When I don’t get the attention I crave, I want to not give a shxt about it and the person not giving me it.
Yes, I called him my beloved husband a couple of hours ago, but there are times when my excessive neediness gets the best of me; times in which I imagine alternate realities, other options, anything… but in the end, I decide that he’s still the one for me. It’s him or no one. There are no alternatives.
Still, it sucks. I may not be mentally perfect, and I may be a mess, but… there are no buts, really, it’s just how it is. Sometimes, things just are what they are, and you have to live with it. Every second of the day, you have to live with everything you are. All your choices, all the things you’ve done up to now, all the things you want to do in the future… unless you distract yourself.
Farming is a great way to distract myself. And yet, it’s also more than that. It’s something that contributes to other people’s life positively, as well as society as a whole. In particular, small-scale local farming does. It’s meaningful. Important. Necessary for society to live on.
I’m Necessary. I haven’t produced anything yet, but I believe my intention is enough. I will do it. No matter what certain people say, I will produce farm goods. I will grow good and healthy food and feed people in the community (for a sum), and I will raise happy ducks, chickens and sheep.
I may learn how to “get rid of” my animals in time. I may make meat out of them, but… even if it’s not something I want to do, it’s inevitable. I keep saying this, but even producing eggs kills animals. Why? Because the male birds must go (too many is unhealthy for the flock), other than a few for breeding. The females don’t lay eggs forever, and when they don’t they’re only a cost.
What harm is keeping them as a cost? It’s fine if it’s a few, but when it gets into the dozens or even hundreds, it can tear on the wallet. It’s an evil, but nonetheless Necessary. If I don’t kill and eat/ sell them as meat, someone else will.
Sure, I could give them away as pets, or sell, and that would probably be my first option, but the demand for pet ducks is most likely smaller than the number of ducks I’ll be needing to get rid of at a given time. Especially older ducks.
If it was up to my emotional self, all ducks would live. But in business as well as farming, one must not use emotions to guide decisions. It may sound cold, and may be, but there is plenty of warmth to make up for it. Like the seasons, and like day and night, one must exist for the other to be. Too much warm gentleness and the farm business will suffer; too much harsh cold and the same thing will happen.
One must find a healthy middle. And while I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that all ducks have to die, it may just be one of the things I need to accept.
Eggs are one of the healthiest foods. I have issues with protein, so I don’t personally eat much of them, but I do value their usefulness. They’re a very versatile and healthy food. Even though humans are capable of being vegan, I believe that eating animal products provides things we can’t get otherwise. Not just in regards to nutrition, but in life in general.
As a farmer, I want to grow food responsibly, towards the environment, animals and people. There is no perfect way to raise animals for products, but there are better and worse ways. I want to contribute to the better ones. It’s a weak comfort, but it is encouraging to console yourself by saying it’s “at least better than most people do it”.
Honestly, the words don’t even sound convincing to me, and I’m not even vegan. At the same time, I know it’s true. However bizarre it is to raise animals only to kill them, fact is still that a big part of the industry does it in much worse ways.
My latest vlog:
That’s enough for now, and with that said, I want to ask: what do you think about all this?