When you don’t give up, you find treasures. But you will also suffer.

My farm life so far has had many ups and downs. 

Amongst the downs, the main one is opposition and critique from members of my family, who also live on the farm. While I don’t care much about their – at times uneducated – opinions, it puts a serious strain on my motivation. Admitting it makes me sound weak and lacking in resilience, and maybe that is the case, but what is a blog for if not to be blindly open about your flaws?

Or, does admitting it make me strong? Maybe it gives me a foundation to stand on, in times of attempted change. I do want things to change, but status quo is pulling too strongly from the other direction. A group is only as strong as its weakest link. That’s why I’m doing my best not to belong to this group, even if it’s my family. They can be my family, but I don’t want to be one of them.

Rants aside, there have been positive things happening as well. Through my (mostly youtube) research, I’ve found so many things that would be useful in the farm. Lots of options for fencing (which also means too much to choose from, but…), which breeds of ducks/chickens that lay the most eggs, that my new incubator needs big egg holders to hold duck eggs (very good that I found out before buying eggs!), that ducks need to be able to dip their head in water, and so much more…

Yes, there have been many joyful moments, indeed. A few days ago, I was happier and more excited than I’ve been in a while, but it was also too much of the good. The fact that we would buy a trailer only added to my excitement. Now it’s bought and standing in the yard, and I’m still happy, but thankfully not over excited.

In fact, I’m pretty sad. But also, silently determined. The many things I’ve tried that haven’t gone well… such as trying to register my business and then finding out it would only mean trouble, have brought me down quite a lot at times, but at least I’m sitting here now, writing this blog post. That’s something. Every single day, I do something that leads me a teeny tiny step forward. And I get rewarded for it. With new discoveries such as mentioned above, or, one might also call it, knowledge.

So, even if it feels like there’s too much opposition, at least I’m moving forward. That’s something I can always find comfort in. It might not be fast, but that doesn’t matter. Slow and steady wins the race, right? It’s not about winning, though. Or maybe it is? Winning against this sadness, winning against the opposition, winning against my past weaker self… indeed, I must strive to be stronger and more resilient, and so I will. 

At the moment, I’m thinking of maybe moving my garden. Abandon the idea of making it a market garden and just make it a garden that feeds myself and my animals (getting ducks soon). If I could move in behind the barn, it would be very practical. Sure, it’s rocky af, but I would be to myself, and it would be much more practical to keep the ducks there. Aside from when I’m not there, of course, as no one would be able to see if the fox comes… so maybe not the best idea.

Also thinking of trying to grow mushrooms. Maybe I should explore microgreens as well. Later. Don’t feel like spending more on seeds than I already have, and need to plant what I have first. 

If nothing else, the time on this farm will serve as practice. I’ll gain experience, as well as strength (hopefully). Determination, for sure. When I move on to my future plans, I’ll be more prepared. Even with the price I have to pay, that’s a good deal. Knowledge is invaluable.

Another thing I’ll get to practice is vlogging. Never been a vlogger before, but in my last vlog I almost seemed like a real vlogger. I do want a youtube career for extra money and to be part of the community, but I’m far from being able to produce anything useful. One day, however, I will. I might not be motivated every single day, and I may spend a lot of time doing nothing, but whenever I feel the slightest hint of motivation, I grasp it and get working.

Don’t beat yourself up for spending 23 hours and 55 minutes doing no progress. As long as you spend five minutes somewhat productively, it’s enough. If nothing else, it will set a habit, and as long as you get started you’ll probably end up spending more than five minutes anyway. But just saying, anything is fine. It’s easy to feel like we can do so much more nowadays, that we never do enough, but however much you do something, is probably enough for you.

Don’t blame yourself or feel guilty, because if you want something enough, progress will come organically. If it doesn’t, maybe question if what you feel bad about not doing is something you really want. Sometimes we think we want things, but it doesn’t mean we do.

I used to wanna be a writer, but writing made me feel drained. I thought being a nurse seemed like a suitable profession for me, but I have very limited energy and would probably get burned out immediately. Once, I started a master’s program in library and information science because it seemed like an easy job that I could do, but sometimes, the things that seem easy can be very hard to do when you’re not interested enough. I like books, but I don’t enjoy library work.

I wrote several full novel drafts, and I’m proud of that. Maybe I’ll go back to fiction writing one day, but not in the near future. It didn’t make me happy. I was disciplined enough to still do it, but to what end? Farming, on the other hand, makes me happy. It’s nourishing for my soul. I do get tired, both physically and mentally, but there’s a purpose in it that makes it worth it, and makes me see why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s not in vain.

What makes you happy? What makes it feel worthwhile? Don’t worry if you haven’t found it. It took my house to burn up to find my thing. It took falling into deep dark loneliness to find my person. It all took a very, very long time and much searching.

Here’s my latest vlog:

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